FWFWW 2024 Wrap-up: Connections unplugged, decisions made and awards given (2024)

"I feel thin," Bilbo Baggins says to the wizard, Gandalf.

"Sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."

And such was the feeling many viewers came to at the conclusion of Farmer Wants a Wife 2024.

With yet another Lord of the Rings pop culture reference to kick this off (that makes about 20 thanks to Farmer Frodo-Dustin), the final Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives blog, we intend to scrape that butter a little bit further.

Afterall, we've learnt from the best in the business at doing this; Channel Seven.

For the bush statisticians, the 18-episode series accounted for about 24 hours of footage.

So those with little to do and a penchant for headaches could quite realistically burn off an entire rotation of the earth watching nothing but farm picnics, girls playing cards and rounds of Cold Sore Relay.

So here's a highlight recap plus the inaugural Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives' Farmer Wants A Wife Awards 2024 (or FWFWWFWAWA 2024, for short.) More details later.

Let's go through the main characters in this slow-motion scripted reality saga.

Natalie Gruzelenikiskilnenzliksiekztzszzilkiky

A picture of grace, style and poise, Nat breezed in now and again to deliver good news, surprises and the reinvigoration of denim flares.

She touched many in this series, mainly their shoulders to be honest, in what has become known as being "Knighted by Nat".

Questions still remain over why she isn't the main host. Her popularity was solid and she possessed a genuine warmth few other reality television show hosts have.

Well played, Nat.

Samantha Farmytage

Sam wore puffy sleeves and mentioned her 4 acres.

Farmer Bert

Poor Bert; the farmer who traded wedded bliss for pineapples.

In the end, the farm was found to be Bert-o's first love and he had to stay true to that.

Before that revelation came about though, we saw him drive a tractor (in a pineapple crop), pick pineapples, go fishing (using pineapple as bait), drive a pineapple-coloured jetski, paint a picture (of pineapples) and talk candidly... about pineapples.

Upon getting the news he has to pick two gals for the double date, Bert at one point delivered the line: "I'm going to go do some thinking, I suppose."

This was immediately followed by the somewhat confusing: "I don't really know what to think."

BerterLateThanNever got something of a backhanded kick in the teeth (to mix martial arts metaphors) when one of the girls he'd punted, Olivia, came back to have a crack at Farmer Joe.

It was a no go from Joe, so another slow low blow for big O.

For many though, Bert was known as the guy with a serious love of spearfishing, with guns adorning the walls throughout his house.

And when it comes to strapping on the (pineapple yellow) goggles and flippers, ready to take aim at a healthy spangled emperor (or an Australian pineapplefish... no really, it's a thing) in the briny blue, the last thing you need is a ball-and-chain telling you you've got family photos or the mother-in-law's 70th that morning.

Farmer Dean

The (first) man with the big hat quickly became known as Farmer Hou-dean-i, for his disappearing act one night when things got a bit intense.

It wasn't that the local rural outfitter was having a half-price sale on hat bands; it turned out he just needed a good old think... on the bonnet of an Isuzu D-max.

The Deanster's early crop of ladies included psychic-loving Bella who headbutted a branch when trying to sashay away from Farmer Dean on the speed dates. No doubt someone made a meme out of it.

Then there was that bit where he got a secret text telling him Teegan had a boyfriend but it was just a storm in a pannikin and nothing came of it.

It sure didn't stop him hooking up with her as his choice and leaving early.

Their couples name was going to be Teegean or Deaneegan or TeDeNeeGan but the magazines barely got a chance to print it before it was all over.

But surely the highlight for the Deaninator was legging it away from a cranky cow he'd just rescued from the mud while his gals watched on.

Most commercial beef producers would agree such a temperament has no place in the herd and a zero-tolerance culling program should be enforced.

The fate of the cow was not divulged but Farmer Dean sure took that approach to his lady selections.

Farmer Dustin

If nothing else, Farmer Dustin has ended up with ample footage supporting his drought relief application.

The fro-farmer from "Condo", who also dabbled in dirt-raised goats, seemed up for a good time most of the time.

He got a solid amount of free farm labour out of the whole exercise, getting a header washed to brand-new status as well as getting his working dogs getting washed/drenched/drowned.

He liked things clean, does our Dustpan, which was ironic considering his name.

Dustington's mum seemed like a card, cooking pancakes for the gang one morning and having a good old cack at her son's expense. Even she couldn't get over his constant hair halo.

It was Dust-up's interactions which introduced the world (or this writer, at least) to the concept of being "friend-zoned".

No one wants that. Except of course for all those lonely singles watching Farmer Wants a Wife over a bucket of Kentucky Fried who long to be at least within a zone... any zone, even a drought-declared red zone like Dustin's property sits in.

The fairy tale wrapped up as Dust-do-it picked his precious Sophie to go forth with and sell their contractually obligated story to New Idea.

Farmer Joe

It could hardly be disagreed that Farmer Joe was flagged early on as the leading man in this saga.

With a country James Bond swagger to him "Holden", (Get it? Farmer Joe? FJ? FJ Holden? Okay, that was a long bow) was barely able to keep his kit on.

Apart from ogling his cattle-grid-like abs, many were left wondering what the tattoo said running underneath his left pec.

There's speculation it may have read: "You are not defined by the gap in your teeth", attributed to Buddha, or course. Or maybe it was Mike Tyson?

The girls on Farmer Joe's place sure were a mix of characters, including the most character-character of them all, Calya.

From thinking there were alligators in the Snowy River area, to believing they were going to drain sheep of excrement, to banging on endlessly about how honest she was, Calya put it all out there, usually in a pair of heels and John Lennon sunnies.

The big JoeJoeMobile seemed to keep being led to have a bath, indicating he possibly suffered from bromhidrosis.

His body became a canvas at one point, as opposed to its usual purpose - lust magnet - for some very non-kindergarten finger painting.

Joe-Joe-Joe-Your-Boat eventually chose Sarah.

Farmer Todd

Every show needs a fashionably late latecomer, and this year it was Farmer Todd.

He had a lot of ground to make up and after shaking hands with each of the "lads" 17 times, he swept through his speed dates, picked his girls and off they went camping.

The mantle of big-hat-wearer was passed onto this lad.

Todd-Only-Knows liked a good paddle in murky water and we got to see his multi-million-dollar kayak set-up. A bloke could probably go spearfishing out of it. Don't tell Bert.

At the big final fancy dinner at Circular Quay, there's an accusation Farmer Todd was getting a little more friendly with Daisy than was allowed.

Grace labelled Daisy's behaviour as "love-bombing", which goes right into this series' lexicon alongside "friend-zoned", "connections" and "pineapple art".

In the end, Todd declared his love for Daisy, so that love-bombing obviously paid off.

Farmer Tom

Like a struggling uni student who discovers marked-down donuts, Farmer Tom knew he was onto a good thing.

That good thing turned out to be Sarah... one of them, anyway, as there seemed to be multiple Sarahs this episode.

Remember, Tom's only a youngster at 22 (or he was when the series started - he's probably 38 by now), so the whole experience must have been pretty daunting, having just finished his HSC.

He liked a good thrill though Tom, taking Taylah and Abby to the Nagambie Speedway for a few hot laps.

Or in Abby's case, a few CWA Grand Gardens tour laps, without the gardens.

Taylah knew she had the edge over her rival here and we were left to imagine she murmured, "rubbing, son, is racing" to Abby as she walked past.

At one point, he taught the ladies how to call cattle by speaking fluent bovine. That may have been a deal breaker for some of the girls.

That, and Tom's dancing, or lack thereof at the country ball. Some men just know their limits.

We got to meet Tom's nanna Glen who seemed like a solid pillar of good advice, particularly when it came to wearing large hair clips.

That's a wrap

To conclude Bilbo's quote at the start of this: "I need a holiday. A very long holiday."

And so would many connection-weary watchers who slogged their way through the 14th season of Farmer Wants a Wife.

A big thanks must go out to you, the readers, who have consumed this blog on a weekly basis and shared it amongst online friends and colleagues (possibly now former friends and colleagues).

The team has enjoyed reading the feedback and comments, particularly those accusing the agricultural mastheads of lowering their traditionally high standards of tackling the big issues in ag.

What could be bigger than rural romantic hearts at stake?

Rest assured the flow of beef market fluctuation reports, broadacre weather concern stories and articles on ag lobby groups resisting government policy will return, and indeed never, ceased.

But it seems many enjoyed the lighter look at what could ultimately be a solid postcard for rural Australia.

Few programs deliver such glowing visual portrayal of regional areas with shots of ageing windmills, vast paddocks, healthy livestock (apparently the sheep that headbutted Calya is doing fine) and sweeping roads to country vistas, all which urban viewers have lapped up.

We wish all the farmers best of luck in the future, may they never have to make the toughest decision in their life again for a long time.

And to the ladies, happy travels, and may you never have to act at playing cards ever again.

The Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives Farmer Wants A Wife Awards 2024

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