END OF SCHOOL- AND COLLEGE JOKES # BREAK-UPS BY COLLEGE MAJORS.... - -
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#784
Bill went to the chiropractor thinking that the chiropractor would not be After a few minutes, his back felt like new. The doctor asked, "How do you Bill replied, "I stand corrected!"
able to treat his chronic back pain.
feel about chiropractors now,"
I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and selling Cliff One day I asked him where he got the idea and he said, "Well, to make a
Notes.
long story short . . . "
*Today's One-Liner:* It is better to lose a love, than to have loved a
loser!
*LOT'S WIFE:* 1. First, she was exalted 2. Then, she halted 3. Finally, she was salted.
If everyone were employed, would unemployment officers be?
*Quotes from Phyllis Diller.* Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
the same outfit in public.
move in with them.
*Date:* A period of time, or a sweet fruit. So, eating dates is a
pleasant way of killing time.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
An English teacher, who spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in One of her students who happened to be passing by, stopped in. "What's the "Tense," she replied tiredly, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again, "OK, I think it's 'What is
her students' written work, was sitting at her desk rubbing her temples on
one overly busy day.
matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" he asked.
the matter?' 'What was the matter?' 'What has been the matter?' or 'What
might have been the matter?'"
Q: A man from Los Angeles drove toward New York at 110 miles per hour and a A: In jail!
man from New York drove toward Los Angeles at 115 m.p.h. Where did they
meet?
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he All he had written was: "This is."
university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay
on the topic, "What is courage?"
scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and
turned in the piece of paper.
Business professor: "Who can give me an example of a system where you are Student: "Tuition!"
billed before you actually receive your goods?"
There was a teacher who was shouting at his class because they were being One of the kids raises his hand, "But teacher, there aren't that many in
lazy. "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you failed this math class," he
said.
this class," he said.
"A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got
in a class. She said, 'I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!' And her
professor said, 'Don't you mean WHOMEVER?'" *-- Jimmy Fallon
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an The student received an "A" on the exam.
question?" - Discuss.
answer."
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A"
as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
You graduated ... congratulations on getting through the easiest part of
your life.
SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG DATE FOR PROM
10. You have to leave early because his Dad needs the ice cream
truck back.
9. She stuffed Kleenex® into her bra but didn't take them out
of the box first.
8. Tinting the windows of the family station wagon does *not*
make it a limo.
7. Her dress was strapless. She wore the corsage, anyway.
Pinned to her skin.
6. You hear him boast, "My grandfather was buried in this tux."
5. Your Mom says you look like a fairy tale couple. Your friends
say it's "Beauty and the Beast."
4. His boutonnière is a sprig of parsley from the baked potato
he had at the restaurant.
3. When the chaperones aren't looking, he spikes the punch ...
with more punch.
2. You hear the principal ask your date, "Mary, didn't you
graduate more than twenty years ago?"
and the number one sign you picked the wrong date for prom?
1. Three words: Darth Maul makeup.
I'm feeling sick and getting worse. My knees are weak. My vision's blurred. I may just faint or fall apart. It's just as bad as all the rest: (Author Unknown)
I think I'd better see the nurse.
I'm sure I should go home today.
It could be fatal if I stay.
I'm nauseated, nearly ill.
I have a fever and a chill.
I have a cold. I have the flu.
I'm turning green and pink and blue.
I have the sweats. I have the shakes,
a stuffy nose, and bellyaches.
My throat is sore. My voice is slurred.
I'm strewn with head lice, ticks, and mites.
I'm covered in mosquito bites.
I have a cough, a creak, a croak,
a reddish rash from poison oak,
a feeble head, a weakened heart.
I sprained my ankle, stubbed my toes,
and soon I'll start to decompose.
And one more thing I have today
that makes me have to go away.
I also have a science test.
A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year.”
Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, “1492: None.”
20th Birthday…!! Friday was Wikipedia’s 20th birthday from when it started it ambitious What truly a milestone and to date rather impressive… Wikipedia has
information website filed with facts, people and histories…
written over 3s billion high school essays…
There is that awkward moment when your entire math class is discussing
whether the result is 15 or 16 and your answer is -1053.
Q: What is a polygon?
A: A dead parrot!
Today is the first official day of summer. Right now everyone’s thinking,
‘I’m going to hike, I’m going to go camping, I’m going to hit the beach.’
While Netflix is like, ‘Sure you are.’ *-- Jimmy Fallon*
I JUST JOINED
THE YOUNG MAN SAID
A NUDIST CAMP
IS MY FACE RED?
NO! I USE
Burma-Shave
DINAH DOESN`T
TREAT HIM RIGHT
BUT IF HE`D
SHAVE
DYNA-MITE!
Burma-Shave
A land surveyor was tasked with mapping a golf course that was expanding When he broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at "There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who really hates to lose a
from 9 holes to 18 holes. He needed a stout machete to clear thick brush
as he went. Along the way, he came upon a golf club that an irate player
must have hurled into the woods. It was in good condition, so he picked it
up and continued on.
him in awe. After all, he had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the
other, and behind him was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods!
ball!"
Breaking Up: Breaking up is hard to do ... especially when you share the same major!
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
PHILOSOPHY: If two people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to, "Get help!"
YOUR EMPLOYER IS PLANNING SOME LAYOFFS # EXAM SEASON IS ROLLING AROUND.... - -
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#783
We were driving in my friend Larry's new car. I asked him about its He listed the usual, then added: "It tells me to slow down as I approach the I expressed my amazement. "But," he explained, "these features work only when my wife is in the car."
features.
speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It points out solid no-passing
lines."
Something you can say about your house, but not your wife:
"Wow! That backyard is huge!"
FAST AND FUNNY – DINOSAURS
- What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a human? A T-Rex.
- What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!
- How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs? Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.
- What happens when you let dinosaurs drive? You get tyrannosaurus wrecks.
- What do you call it when all the dinosaurs go to heaven? Velocirapture.
- What do you call a blind dinosaur? A doyouthinkhesaurus.
And what do you call a blind dinosaur's dog? A doyouthinkhesaurus Rex.
"Some tortures are physical, and some are mental, but the one that is both is dental." - Ogden Nash
FILLING STATION: Dentist's office. (WordFoolery)
Calvin Jones was born and reared in a small Midwestern community. He never married and led a remarkedly modest life. Still, the time came when he enjoyed a degree of notoriety as the town's oldest citizen. Then came the day when he died, and the local newspaper editor thought his death deserved a proper notice, but he couldn't think of anything to write: no scandals, no special accomplishments, no relatives. His friend, the tombstone proprietor was facing the same challenge.
The editor decided ultimately to give the assignment to the first staff member he encountered. That turned out to be the sports editor. Here's the caption he wrote that's inscribed on Calvin's tombstone:
Here lie the bones of Calvin Jones,
For him life held no terrors.
He lived as a bachelor. He died as a bachelor.
No hits, no runs, no errors.
While touring historic buildings in Alexandria, Virginia, we visited an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended services there and pointed to his pew. A reverent silence fell. The guide, encouraged by this, went on to tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy -- frequently lasting three hours or more. The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here too!"
Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made. The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."
A deaf old lady in a nursing home did nothing but complain about her family members who never came to visit her.
One day during dinner, between bites of crab sticks, a nurse asked her if the reason her family didn't visit was because they were selfish.
"What?" she replied.
"Are they selfish?" the nurse repeated.
"EH?!" she shouted.
Raising her voice, for the third time the nurse asked, "ARE THEY SELFISH?"
"NO," bellowed the old lady, "THE'RE CRAB STICKS."
“My extra winter weight is finally gone.
"Now, I have spring rolls.”
From the Home Office in Wahoo, Nebraska, it's the Top Ten List for May 26, 2000
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE RENTED A BAD SUMMER HOUSE
10. It's a time-share, and you only have it between 3am and 6am every day.
9. First floor is accessible only during low tide.
8. "Key" you receive in the mail looks suspiciously like a large crowbar.
7. It's 3 miles underground and the government gets to test new medicine on you.
6. Previous owner died a year ago -- but he's still in the kitchen.
5. In rental agreement, word "bathroom" always appears in quotation marks.
4. Instead of "summer house," more accurate to call it "tent in an Arby's parking lot."
3. Lease states that the landlord gets to bathe you.
2. Your roommates: thirty foreign guys in the basem*nt sewing t-shirts.
1. It's not available until the second week in November.
©MMV, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.
GCSE: Cross-curricular studies for teenagers Time allowed: 1 hour 45 minutes Please show your workings. Mathematics 1. Three people live in a house. All of those people are over the age 2. Josh has started an apprenticeship earning £140 per week. His mobile 3. Jane wears a clean shirt to school every day. Jane has six shirts. English language and creative writing 4. "I was like going to the shopping mall and met like Lucy, Dan and Explain the exact meaning and usage of the word 'like' in the above Combined Science 5. Explain, using the periodic table, why WKD will make you puke. 6. Explain the physics behind the phrase "It's just gone". You may use Technology and Computer Science
of 14. Please explain, with the aid of diagrams, why only one of mum or
dad can take the rubbish out.
phone bill this month was £385. How much pay will he have left over? a)
All of it, WTF should he pay his own bill? b) None of it, he has spent
it all on a tattoo
Explain using Bayes Theorem and taking into account microbiological
cross-contamination how likely it is that any given shirt on the floor
on Thursday morning will be clean enough to wear to school.
like two other people from like school. We went to like Hollisters to
get some like T-shirts for Dan and then went to like Primark cos Becky
like needs a bikini for her holiday in like Benidorm. We were like
starving so we went to like McDonald's to get like some food and met up
with like more people from school. We all had like burgers and like
chips and some of us had like a drink but some of us didn't have like
enough money."
passage.
any of the following objects to illustrate your theory: an outdoor
coat, one rugby boot, school tie, art coursework.
7. Explain how you will circumvent the broadband security your 8. You have been invited to sleep over at Harvey's house. Your parents Critical Thinking 9. Explain what happens when you use the last of the toilet roll. Economics 10. You are in a house alone during the day. How many lights should be Philosophy 11. It's soooo unfair - discuss.
moderately techy parents have set up. Use diagrams if necessary.
wish to communicate with Harvey's parents about this. (i) Explore and
explain the circ*mstances under which the following items of modern
technology would be simultaneously broken in order to prevent this
communication from taking place: a) the telephone - you should include
reference to both landline and mobile. b) email or any other
internet-based communication system. c) carrier pigeon. (ii) Calculate
the probability that, in a relatively small village, your parents
already know that Harvey's parents have gone away for the weekend.
a) I put another full roll on the holder.
b) I stuff the full roll behind the back of the holder.
c) I'm going to Nando's with Becky
switched on and remain on? a) Those in the room you're in. b) Those in
the room you are about to enter. c) All of the lights including the
fridge light as, though you are able to remove plaster when you slam
your bedroom door shut, you can't quite shut the fridge door properly.
Joe has 5 watermelons. He eats 6 watermelons. What does Joe have now?
Bad math skills and a lingering doubt about what he ate.
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by
department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this
reply...
age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by On one firm's form was the question: "Was this person a steady worker?" Since the guy was a well-known do-nothing, I entered: "Not just steady, but
companies considering hiring them.
motionless" in the space provided.
“That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day of his first job.
“I get two weeks paid vacation.”
“I’m so glad,” said my mother.
“Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they send me
SIGNS YOUR COMPANY IS PLANNING A LAYOFF
- Employee Benefit Plan is replaced by a copy of "Chicken Soup for the Soul".
- Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.
- Babes in Marketing Dept. suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.
- Creditors in the reception area now required to "take a number".
- Company match on 401K changed to "double or nothing".
- Company softball team down-sized to Musical Chairs.
- Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."
- Company president now driving a Go-Ped.
- Annual holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to Denny's.
- Guard escorts you to your car each time you leave the office.
- Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
- Receptionist gives each visitor a copy of her resume.
- Company dental plan now based in Tijuana.
When I was teaching French linguistics, was on my way to the photocopier when a colleague across the hall, an internationally known economist, asked me if I could make 45 copies of the final test in her ECON 773 class.
I glanced at the three questions and ventured, "But, Anna, aren't these the same questions that were on your final last year?"
"Yes," she said, "but the correct answers have changed. "
"Summer officially begins tonight. So if you're wondering why your kids
stopped going to school, that's probably the reason." *-- Jimmy Kimmel *****************************************************************************************
The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the
home.
father, "is that I know he's not cheating on his exams."
A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"
some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A
birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a
congratulations to your mom and dad?"
A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"
some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A
birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a
congratulations to your mom and dad?"
Dad was angry when he saw that his son scored a zero in math. "Son, can you explain this to me?" "Well dad, the teacher didn't have any stars left to give me, so she gave me
a moon!"
SUMMER JOKES
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#782
Today's One-Liner:* Camping is nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
*THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:*
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "All though the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends'
three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant.. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked..
BEWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!!!and they REPRODUCE!!!!
DATING ADS FOR SENIORS # SUMMER CATASTROPHY.... - -
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#781
Two brooms were hanging in the closet..... after a while they got to know One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other, the groom broom. The After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and "IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom. Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!! 'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
each other so well, they decided to get married.
bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
said to the groom-broom: "I think I am going to have a little broom!"
Oh for goodness sake..... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around !!!
to enjoy
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss "Are you OK?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd Don't mess with old people!
auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
demonstration?"
other eye."
realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a
witness. He starts to get nervous.
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket
on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
it."
Quote of the Day: I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown
The android could say “hello” in any language and loved showing off its hi tech.
I burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven. I should have used Aloha temperature.
"I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round and gave her a burrito."-Mitch Hedberg
A man was talking about what a wonderful woman his recently deceased wife was. "Bless her soul, we had 35 happy years together," he reminisced.
Then he added, "That isn't too bad out of 50."
Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper .
You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
-----
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
-----
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
-----
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
-----
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
-----
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
-----
My favorite
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1947 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
Fun & Humor
Funny Instagram Captions
I call this look: “I tried.”
I’m like a fridge: What matters is on the inside.
Classy yet sassy.
Stressed yet blessed.
I did not wake up like this.
You’re italic, I’m in bold.
When nothing goes right, go left.
Reality was calling, but I screen my calls.
Don’t worry, Be-yoncé.
I got 99 problems. That’s it.
It’s cheesy, but she’s stolen a pizza my heart.
I love you even when I’m hungry.
He was suffering from a lack of vitamin me.
I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.
During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the children's sermon.
One day, with several small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.
Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?"
A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied.
*Summer Catastrophe * Summer will be here in just days. It's the season for lying on the beach, "I don't burn, I tan." "Let's swim all the way across." "Relax! I can go another 30 miles when the needle is on empty!" "They're not really calling for help, they're just fooling around." "Let's see what's under this rotting log." "I'm immune to poison ivy." "Sure, I'd love to go water skiing! Just give me a minute while I slip into "Park the car under that big shady tree with the birds in it and leave the "It's not too windy for our picnic." "We don't need bug spray." "Let's get some lunch and then go on all the rides!" "We're going to catch some rays and some Zs. You kids run along and enjoy "I'll hold the firecracker, you light it." "You hold the firecracker, I'll light it." "No way! I can eat ice cream way faster than you. I'll prove it!" "Let's save some time and get the order to go. The kids can just eat it in
hiking, camping - and catastrophe - the latter mainly brought on by just a
few ill-chosen words. So if you find yourself saying any of the following,
beware - you could be headed for disaster!
the ladies' room and change into my bikini."
top down so it will be nice and cool when we get back."
yourselves!"
the car."
"Sailing looks easy. I don't need lessons. I'll just teach myself as I go Be careful! And Happy Summer!
along!"
*Automatic Sprinkler* As my supervisor and I were leaving the headquarters building at Hickam Realizing that he had forgotten something, my supervisor went back inside, After several attempts at fooling the system, I began looking around for
AFB, Hawaii, the lawn sprinklers, which had been showering the walkway,
stopped suddenly.
and I followed him. With that, the sprinklers started again. We surmised
that there must have been a motion sensor controlling the spray, and
decided to test it by walking back and forth and in and out the front door.
the sensor. By the side of the building I saw a very confused gardener, his
hand on a water faucet.
How hot was it? It was so hot a dog chased a cat and they both walked.
16 STEPS TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make a structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of the fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to your nose.
11. When the fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from the can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel the can to read: "gasoline."
15. When the fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps.
A husband and wife went camping. *Summer Catastrophe * Summer will be here in just days. It's the season for lying on the beach, "I don't burn, I tan." "Let's swim all the way across." "Relax! I can go another 30 miles when the needle is on empty!" "They're not really calling for help, they're just fooling around." "Let's see what's under this rotting log." "I'm immune to poison ivy." "Sure, I'd love to go water skiing! Just give me a minute while I slip into "Park the car under that big shady tree with the birds in it and leave the "It's not too windy for our picnic." "We don't need bug spray." "Let's get some lunch and then go on all the rides!" "We're going to catch some rays and some Zs. You kids run along and enjoy "I'll hold the firecracker, you light it." "You hold the firecracker, I'll light it." "No way! I can eat ice cream way faster than you. I'll prove it!" "Let's save some time and get the order to go. The kids can just eat it in
hiking, camping - and catastrophe - the latter mainly brought on by just a
few ill-chosen words. So if you find yourself saying any of the following,
beware - you could be headed for disaster!
the ladies' room and change into my bikini."
top down so it will be nice and cool when we get back."
yourselves!"
the car."
"Sailing looks easy. I don't need lessons. I'll just teach myself as I go Be careful! And Happy Summer!
along!"
*Automatic Sprinkler* As my supervisor and I were leaving the headquarters building at Hickam Realizing that he had forgotten something, my supervisor went back inside, After several attempts at fooling the system, I began looking around for
AFB, Hawaii, the lawn sprinklers, which had been showering the walkway,
stopped suddenly.
and I followed him. With that, the sprinklers started again. We surmised
that there must have been a motion sensor controlling the spray, and
decided to test it by walking back and forth and in and out the front door.
the sensor. By the side of the building I saw a very confused gardener, his
hand on a water faucet.
How hot was it? It was so hot a dog chased a cat and they both walked.
16 STEPS TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make a structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of the fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to your nose.
11. When the fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from the can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel the can to read: "gasoline."
15. When the fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps.
MEMORIAL DAY JOKES
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#780
When caught speeding, an airman on leave tried to talk the officer out of He inquired, “Would it make a difference if I told you that I’m in the Air Force?”
giving him a ticket….
The police officer answered, “Yes, but only if you were driving an airplane.”…
Air Force Sayings
"Yea though I fly through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot messes up, the pilot dies; if an ATC messes up, ... The pilot dies."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there."
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
**
"Never fly in the same co*ckpit with someone braver than you."
During a field exercise my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are one in 360 that we'll get out of here."
"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.
"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."
Imagine my surprise when I went to Fort Dix Army Medical Center for a heart "What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry. "Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror.
(protocol is dr before title - Dr. Major Eror)
Deployed to Saudia Arabia during the Gulf War, I noticed that several A few senior reservists put previous war-tour dates on theirs, such as One young Marine inscribed a date that caused double takes. His helmet
Marines had written symbols, phrases or nicknames on their helmets.
"1968-70 Vietnam."
read: "1972-73 Kindergarten."
*Bravest Men* Admiral McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his Military camp and was greeted by Marshall. They both walked around the "Very well trained." "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained they're "Well, my men are very brave, too." "I'd like to see that." So Marshall called Private Cooper and said, "Private Cooper! I want you to "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As Private Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and
colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrived
at the
place, and McKenzie asked, "So how are your men?"
the bravest men all over the country."
stop that tank coming here with your body!"
said, "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
Fast & Funny – Military
- Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, and a lot of bitching.
- Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
- We are not retreating; we are advancing in another direction.
- What's up with the American military? I keep asking them what's the lowest rank and they keep telling me it's private.
- What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base? A flat major.
- How do different military branches use stars? The Army sleeps under the stars. The Navy navigates by the stars. The Air Force chooses hotels based on the stars.
IS YOUR CHURCH IN A BAD NEIGHBOURHOOD? # WARNING! FARMER'S MARKETS ARE BAD FOR YOU!.... - -
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#779
I don't mean to brag, but I have not used the Pythagorean theorem in my
daily life for 72 days now.
Historic Powerball Lotto Jackpot Now Up To 2 Tanks of Gas "Two tanks! Can you imagine?" said local man Bob Porter as he waited in line The rush on lottery tickets is unprecedented since the creation of the Powerball officials have already said that unless the Keystone pipeline is At publishing time, Powerball announced that if no winning ticket is
Life
June 8th, 2022 - BabylonBee.com. U.S.-Excitement across the nation has
reached a fever pitch as the famed Powerball Lottery jackpot reached the
staggering sum of two tanks of gas.
outside a 7-Eleven. "I'd use one to fill up my truck, and sell the other to
pay off my kid's college and buy me a mansion! Move over, Billy Gates!"
Powerball. "I've never seen anything like it," said Ohio gas station
attendant Marie Billings. "I will say though, part of the reason is that
people stop to fill up with gas, realize they can't afford it, and have to
buy a lotto ticket in hopes of being able to make it home. We've got a few
dozen people living inside our little Marathon station right now, sleeping
by the warmth of the hot dog roller."
opened, the two tanks of gas will have to be delivered via monthly
installments instead of a lump sum. That has done nothing to deter lotto
players, with over a million tickets being sold this week in
California-where a single ounce of gas can now be traded for a Rolls-Royce.
selected by Saturday, a can of baby formula will also be added to the
jackpot.
Today, as Sandy informs us, is an important day in our technological
history. Had the ballpoint pen not been invented on this date then we
would have had nothing with which to rewind our cassette tapes.
****************Language****************************************
Someone kept telling me I should go to an Alcoholics' meeting. I said fine, I'll try it out.
We all sat down in a room. Catering was sh*t, the place was dry but luckily, I brought my own stuff.
Everyone took turns complaining about their lives or bragging about how well they were doing.
Turned out to be a religious recruitment program so I got the hell out of there and went to the bar.
I mean, that's where the real anonymous alcoholics are anyway.
**************End of language*****************************************
Fast & Funny – Alcohol
- Why did the alcoholic tell bad jokes at the comedy club? He did it for the boos.
- My alcoholic friend says beer has made him a psychic. He calls himself "Bud the Wiser".
- My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer. But he could never pass the bar.
- I come from a long line of alcoholics. My gene pool has a swim-up bar.
IS YOUR CHURCH IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD ?
If your church (and we'll use that as a generic term for a place of worship) has a bouncer, it might be in a bad neighborhood.
If the sacramental wine is kept in a brown paper bag, your church might be in a bad neighborhood.
If your church choir is not organized into sopranos, altos and basses, but rather into revolvers, automatics and shotguns, you might be worshiping in a bad neighborhood
If instead of a bell in the church steeple there is a 50 caliber gun emplacement and a police siren, it might be in a bad neighborhood
If instead of bingo there is a crap game in the church basem*nt, it might be in a bad neighborhood.
If the collection basket is made of steel and has a top with a small slot your church might be in a bad neighborhood.
If the ushers who pass the collection basket threaten to break your legs if you don't put something in it, you are probably worshiping in a bad neighborhood.
If instead of a building fund your church has a bail fund, and if the primary recipient of those funds has historically been the preacher, your church might be in a bad neighborhood.
If your Bible School is referred to as “Juvie Hall”, your church could be in a bad neighborhood.
If your church has an outreach program for those who can't attend services because they are on house arrest, it might be in a bad neighborhood.
If instead of “Father” some of the female parishioners refer to the pastor as “my baby Daddy”,the church may be in a bad neighborhood.
If the service includes a reading from the Racing Form, the church might be in a bad neighborhood.
If weddings conducted at your church have vows which include the words, “Do you solemnly swear not to rat him/her out to the narcs?”, it might be in a bad neighborhood.
If the chuppah (canopy used in Jewish weddings) is made of Kevlar, your church may be in a bad neighborhood.
If during the service the minister says, “Repeat after me, I have the right to remain silent. . .”, the church might be in a bad neighborhood.
New Word… Word: Requel (adverb /verb) Definition: When a remake contains a lot of new material; a remake
that also doubles as a sequel.
"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii.
"You seem pretty sure of yourself," I replied.
"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine is on fire."
"What pisses you off?"
"Nouns."
"Nouns?"
"Yeah: people, places and things."
Fast & Funny – Ducks
- Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person. maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.
- What do you call Donald Duck when he leads the orchestra? A con-duck-tor.
- What do ducks use to fix things around their house? Duck tape.
- Why do ducks never grow up? Because they grow down.
- Mickey Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches ... but Donald ducks.
- Donald Duck - The original Angry Bird.
- Did you hear about the new dark and gritty direction Disney is taking? Donald Duck will be playing a quack addict.
- Where do tough ducks come from? Hard-boiled eggs.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry
After I make breakfast, I usually have pancake mix or sausages left over. This pleases my wife because I promised to take her for batter or for wurst.
I was the teacher for a toddler-aged Sunday School class, which included my 14-month old daughter. During our lesson on creation, I'd ask questions like, "Who made the trees?" or "Who made the sun?" and the children would respond, "God did!" I was pleased that the children seemed to quickly learn that God made everything.
The lessons at home weren't going so well. I had tried repeatedly to get my daughter to pick up her toys when she was done with them, and she just wasn't learning this very quickly at all. One day I walked into the living room to find toys scattered simply everywhere. In exasperation I asked, "Who made this mess?!"
My daughter looked at me, beamed a proud smile, and exclaimed, "God did!"
I took the train to NYC today and the conductor paid me the nicest compliment as I was boarding...
They said, “First class rear ..."
My wife was upset when she told me she had failed her driving test.
I said, "Oh no, what did they pull you up on?"
My wife replied, "A rope. The car's still in the canal."
"A new study found that most people cant go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe."-- Jimmy Fallon
27 Reasons to Avoid Farmers Markets
http://eatlocalgrown.com/article/11392-27-reasons-to-avoid-farmers-markets-satire.html
Eating local is all the rage right now. Still, there are plenty of reasons to avoid farmers' markets and roadside stands. If you can say?and believe?the following statements, don't be taken in by all the foodie hype!
1. I prefer bland, tasteless food. Taste buds are best kept lulled and complacent. Like old-school vanilla before the French got hold of it.
2. If farmers have faces?which I doubt?why would I want to look at them? Anonymity rules!
3. I love factory-farmed meat, dairy, and eggs. All animals belong in little boxes.
4. I love eating chemicals and pesticides. After all, if this stuff preserves food, it will preserve me, too. Won't it?
5. The goal of living in community is to be like all the other neighborhoods in the world. We'd all be happier if we were hom*ogenous. Diversity is a killer.
6. I love GMO. One day I might sport gills like a fish or raise glow-in-the-dark rabbits. Could anything be cooler?
7. I hate my neighbors and I hope they all lose their jobs and have to move away. Small local businesses are nothing but a pain.
8. I like being ignored by my growers. Why would I want better service and people paying attention to my needs? Someone trying to understand makes me uncomfortable.
9. Ignorance is bliss. I need to protect my kids from knowledge, fun, and health at any cost.
10. I love paying the middleman. Why should farmers get actual wages when we could support commodity traders instead?
11. I demand every fruit or vegetable to be the same size and shape as the next one and absolutely blemish free.
12. I live for confusing labels. They keep my mind active.
13. I adore excessive packaging. If I didn't have so much plastic to get rid of, how would I ever fill my garbage bins?
14. I prefer to limit choices. Boredom is good; creativity is evil.
15. I hate fun and the outdoors, preferring to stay within my four walls and doing the same things every day.
16. I enjoy supporting economies in far-off places. My taxes shouldn't cover local needs. That's just selfish. We don't want to be selfish.
17. I avoid antioxidants and phytonutrients. Such big words. Do you have any idea what they could do to you? Me either.
18. I love being at the mercy of chain supermarkets, because I know they have my best interests at heart.
19. I prefer sterile urban landscapes to farmland. Smog is a better inhalant than cow manure.
20. I like to spend more money on food, especially if more fingers can get a piece of the pie. We all like pie. May I have lemon meringue made from a mix?
21. With labeling, I don't need to think about what I eat. Who knows how many calories are in a zucchini? They can't be trusted.
22. I prefer elevator music to guys with guitars or fiddles. Wouldn't want to be exposed to anything like original music played by real people. Shudder.
23. Why sniff real food when I can indulge in fake smells like an apple pie candle? Achoo.
24. I'd rather eat fake sweeteners made of chemicals in factories than honey made by bees. Regurgitated pollen? Ew. That's gross.
25. I want to suffer from fun things like cancer, heart disease or diabetes. Maybe I'll get to die young.
26. I love seeing big reefer trucks on the highway. They make driving more of an adventure. Love it when semis tailgate me.
27. I don't approve of seasons. Food is dumb if it can't figure out how to be grown 12 months of the year on all 6 continents. And in Antarctica, come to think of it.
If these statements represent your foodie opinions, run?don't walk?as far from your local farmers' market as you can get. If not, come join the fun! Beware: real food is addictive.
A Mad Squirl
Or the Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street
Anymore)
If you need a laugh, here it is.
Author: Daniel Meyer
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Little did I suspect ...I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.
I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it.
The matter should have ended right there. It really should have.
The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH !
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least.
The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.
By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of . so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back).
I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment.
When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me.
They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing.
The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves.And some Band-Aids.
SCIENCE FUNNIES AND OTHER JOKES.... - -
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#778
I do not think -- therefore I am not.
Here is the illustration of this principle:
One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?".
Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.
HAY FEVER
When nature decides you don't cry enough and
brings you misery disguised as innocent herbage.
“You’re not my real ladder!” I shouted at my step-ladder.
First of all, I'm ok, just a little shaken up, but l'll be ok. For those of you who don't know what happened, I was robbed yesterday morning at the gas station. I gathered myself together, my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I honestly think I was in shock. My money was gone. I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof. The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes" it was pump number 1!!!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody Knows
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was hospitalized earlier this week with a rapid heartbeat...After the doctors ex- amined him, they replaced some of Arnold's obsolete computer chips and reinforced his titanium exo-skeleton. He was good as new." -- Jay Leno
Once I tried to be normal. It was a terrible experience.******************************************************************
Boss: "Why are you late?"
Me: "I got drunk last night and set my calculator for $5.30".
Fast & Funny – ‘Toilet Paper
- Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again. I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighborhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.
- I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was. He said, "Aisle B, back."
- We were so poor that all we had for toilet paper was a calendar. Now those days are behind us.
- I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus. So, I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.
- First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense. Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!
I'm going to have to pay better attention when I am watching TV. I had
been feeling lonely, and I saw the ads that said, 'adopt from a
shelter'. So this afternoon I went out to a shelter and, ya know
what? That offer doesn't apply to women's shelters.
Sherry is walking through the zoo when she notices Bill throwing $10 bills Curious, she walks closer and asks, "Bill, what are you doing? Why are you "The sign by the gate says it was okay," he replies. Sherry looks at him quizzically, "It did?" "Yes, it said, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.”
in the monkey cage.
giving the monkeys money?"
Fast & Funny – Science
- So, I read an article today that blew my mind from a math nerd/science person perspective. Apparently, factories are not making the 12-inch ruler any longer.
- Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins. Fetus Repeatus.
- There is a scientific name for couples that use the withdrawal method for birth control ... Parents.
- Scientific studies show that women who are overweight live significantly longer than the men who mention it.
- A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
- I made a helpful contribution to humanity! The scientific community has rewarded my work! I can't wait to display this new "Darwin Award" I got!
- The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria. One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.
- What's the scientific term for seaweed? Marinejuana.
- What do you call a scientific talk about the psychological impact of cannibalism? A Hannibal Lecture.
NAMING THE ANIMALS
God asked Adam to name the animals.
Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig ...”
Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too.”
Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sealion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”
On the ground my young daughter did see
Fallen acorn and gave it to me.
When she asked, "What is this?"
I replied to her, "Chris,
In a nutshell, it is an oak tree."
Kirk Miller
I never understood tap dancing until I took classes in morse code.
Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision.
"Who should go, Clark Kent or Lois Lane?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please, show me a sign."
That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Wal*Mart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer.
The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go."
After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief, how did you know which one of us should go?"
Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE."
[written by Jeremy]
Smoking and Praying
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad. "We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped. "Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.
I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"
Today's Riddle:
Bruno was with no doubt the fastest in the race, running by the other contenders and crossing the finish line well before the others. He had won the race, but someone else was given the winners trophy. Why?
Answer:
Bruno is a horse. The trophy was given to the jockey.
A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."
The judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; you wake him up."
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body...
I give her a shoulder to crayon!
I'm at my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at the coffin...
"Who's thinking outside the box now, Gary?"
A 9 year old girl has disappeared...
She disappeared after using a revolutionary new moisturizer that makes you look 10 years younger.
What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?
Homeless!
Fast & Funny – Flowers
- Roses are red, violets are blue; my dog is my favorite, but you’re OK too.
- Roses are red, relationships are tough; I love you ’cause we hate the same stuff.
- Roses are red, violets are blue; roses are red - whoa, Deja vu!
THE FLOWERS PEOPLE WEAR IN THEIR LAPELS:
PRUNE LOVER
- Morning Glory
HIT-MAN
- Crocus
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up, and afterwards, the doctor said… As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "You vouldn't belief
"I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever
have a baby it would be a miracle”….
it, I vent to the doctah and he told me, 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if
you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel’”….
OLD AGE: When actions creak louder than words. (WordFoolery)
Even though rabbits aren't insects, they can be grass hoppers.
Q: What do you get when you cross a judge with poison ivy?
A: Rash Decisions!
Q: Have you heard the joke about the peach?
A: It's pitiful!
My mother and grandmother often told me to eat the crusts from my bread if I wanted curly hair. I recently passed this piece of wisdom on to my five-year-old granddaughter. "It's okay, Grandma," Susan replied. "Mom uses the curling iron."
What is the difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?
On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin. A Texas Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe.
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion ...
But doesn't.
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?
Trivia Time!: The Biggest Snowflake
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#777
Fact Of The Day:The Largest Snowflake
Found in Montana, back in 1887, was the largest recorded snowflake. The snowflake in question came in at 8" thick and 15" in diameter.
Trivia Time!: The Inca Wedding Ceremony
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#776
Bet Ya' Didn't Know:
In the marriage ceremony of the ancient Incas, the couple was considered officially wed when they took off their sandals and handed them to each other.
MOTHER'S DAY JOKES
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#775
*These Tweets Describe Motherhood Perfectly* Nothing screams ‘I’m a mom’ like showing up at work, forgetting I have a Motherhood: I’m just a girl, in a world, hoping to one day eat dinner Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers. -- Parenting is 99% getting roasted by your kids. -- *@MotherPlaylist* No one listens until I yell: the name of my parenting memoir. -- Most of parenting is unsuccessfully attempting to sit down. -- *@yenniwhite* It’s amazing how much of parenthood is spent eating delicious things in
Batman band-aid on the back of my leg. *–** @UnfilteredMama*
sitting down. *--** @MommieKnwsFresh*
*@copymama*
*@NoSleepInBklyn*
secret. -- *@lifeattiffanys*
From the Home Office in Wahoo, Nebraska, it's the Top Ten List for April 24, 1997
DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A 63-YEAR-OLD MOTHER
10. Baby crying? Turn down your hearing aid
9. At movies, you get both "child" and "senior citizen" discounts
8. You'll spare child "When I was your age..." speech, since you don't remember when you were her age
7. Baby + your dentures = hilarious "giant-toothed monster baby"
6. Get to replace Michael Jackson in Guinness "Weirdest Pregnancy in History" category
5. By the time your daughter's old enough to start dating really creepy guys, you'll be dead
4. Three words: shared nap time
3. Great chance to start "Bring Your Daughters to the Rest Home" day
2. Save money: buy diapers in bulk for your kid and you
1. There's always a place for you on Oprah
(c) MMV, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.
"My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says things like, 'You
weren't home last night. Is something going on?' I say, 'Yeah Mom, I'm
cheating on you with another mother.'" *-- Heidi Joyce*
"What does your mother do for a headache?"
"She sends me out to play."
A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.
"Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus boobaleh, honey! Mummy loves you very much, boobaleh!
At the end of the day, she’s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his first day at school?"
"I learned that my name is David."
Having raised a large family, my mother cooked everything in battalion-size "Thanks for the recipe, Mom," he wrote home. "The first thing we did was
batches. So when my newly married brother requested her chop-suey recipe,
she experimented for two weeks with the ingredients in order to cut the
dish down for the honeymooners.
triple it so we would have plenty of leftovers!"
What does "Minimum" mean? A very small mother!
At the supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her Finally, she blurted out, "I don't want to hear the word mommy for at least The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother's
patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she
tried to shop.
ten minutes!"
dress and said softly, "Excuse me, lady."
A new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get Neil to do "Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for
anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
thirty years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell
him he's too old."
40 THINGS THAT ONLY HAPPEN IN THE MOVIES AND OTHER JOKES.... - -
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#774
40 things that only happen in the movies!
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or
opposite
the
building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
note.
Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact
fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally
at the precise moment it's aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should
always
be
closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds.
UNLESS
it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will
know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
digital
displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be
necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a
German
accent
will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to
speak
English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in
Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often
than
not
die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party).
(Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended
from
duty).
12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will
also
slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises
wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when
food is
being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the
dashboard . . .
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which
will
be
placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only
fruit
will
spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they..'re involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts,
your
opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around
you
in
a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just
throw
the
gun away. you will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity
system
is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a
passing
St
Patrick..'s Day parade - at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
Nobody
will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other
part
of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a
picture
of
your sweetheart back home.
26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They
have
expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly
with
the
shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl
does
for
a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of
a
football stadium.
28. It is not necessary to say .."Hello.." or .."Goodbye.." when
beginning a
telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by
frantically beating the cradle and saying .."Hello? Hello?.."
repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
than
20
men firing at once (it..'s called Stallone..'s Law).
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room
will
still
be visible, just slightly bluish.
31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by
removing
their glasses and rearranging their hair.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
enemies
with
complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers
and
man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on
a
woman
but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control
tower
to
talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip
club
at least once.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and
accordions)
can be
played without moving your fingers.
38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs
hanging
out of their back pockets.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture
present
(even people who aren..'t liked and would never get invited to parties).
40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real
life
too!).
Thanks to Owen Lorion for altering us to Andrea's blog [She's an
"insect psychologist" who examines human behavior, education, and
disability rights, from personal and social theory perspectives and
points in-between]... This is a great entry! Owen assured me I'd
laugh myself right out of my wheelchair! "This will give you a fresh
viewpoint on the chair-impaired!" I've included the URL to the blog
"Andrea's Buzzing About" if you want to read more of her and catch
the comments to this offering. Enjoy!
---
August 24th, 2007 at 10:45 (Humor/ Fun Stuff, Tourette's / tics,
Teaching/Tutoring, Work / Employment, Deaf / hard of hearing,
Stimming, Prosopagnosia, Autism/Asperger's, College/University, ADD/
ADHD, eye contact, Accessibility)
In your place of business, educational institution, or public service
area, you will have to make certain accommodations for the
?normal? (?Temporarily Able-Bodied?) patrons. (Please note that
within Normal culture, it is considered appropriate to refer to them
as ?normal people? rather than as ?people with normality?.) Normal
people will usually succeed in schooling, and will apply for jobs
that they can do, presuming that they are given accommodations. These
needs are diverse, and such accommodations include, but are not
limited to, the following items:
Normal people don?t go around in wheelchairs, so they need to have
chairs made available for them everywhere.
Normal people need to see what they?re doing, so they need to have
lighting made available to them everywhere. This includes locations
with very limited routes and signage, such as stairwells. It also
includes bedrooms, even though most of the time spent there is when
the person is asleep.
Normal people need caffeine to help them compensate for their
hypoactivity, so they should be supplied with coffee, tea, cola or
other culturally-equivalent beverages at work. Likewise, normal
people have a low need or tolerance level for fidgeting or pacing.
This is typical, and although some interest in doing such may be
observed, their ability to sustain such for extended lengths of time
is impaired.
Normal people associate loud noise with having fun, and will desire
background music in a variety of places, such as waiting rooms,
social areas, work stations, and eating areas, even though the
background music interferes with verbal forms of communication. Most
normal people do not sign, so their speaking volume will also
increase the ambient noise levels. Although mainstreaming of normal
people is considered to be good educational practice, their noise
levels can aggravate those with hyperacussis or migraines, so your
normal students may need special resource rooms where they can
participate in adaptive mealtime programmes.
Normal people are likely to engage in such stereotypes as long bouts
of eye contact, and chit-chatting about famous people or nothing much
in particular. Their communication gestures are often not true signs
or signifiers, but rather false tics that are socially learned
responses, and are considered by some researchers to be a form of
?social stimming?. These activities are harmless, although they may
need to be reminded not to disturb others, especially in work
environments.
Secondary and tertiary normal students have unusual deficits of
ability to monologue about topics in extended detail, and will need
supplementary tutoring and practice to reach adequate achievement
levels.
Normal people are extroverts who need structured social activities to
fill their free time, because they don?t become self-absorbed in
their special interests. They will also associate ?being alone? with
?being lonely?, and given a living or working space with six rooms,
all six normal people will frequently be found clustered together in
the same room.
Normal people have a readily-recognized phenotype, and are remarkably
consistent in their features and physical makeup (e. g. overall
bilateral symmetry, regular walking gait). Due to their pronounced
socialization needs, they will exhibit strong tendencies for
?following fads? and ?team identification?, and will often be seen
wearing clothing of great uniformity. Despite this, they frequently
have savant skills for facial recognition (?hyperprosopony?), and
will be able to identify and name literally hundreds of their peers.
Note that this special population not only has special needs that
must be accommodated, but they are also a vociferous and sometimes
petulant lot if those special needs are not met. Your legal adviser
or Human Resources coordinator can consult with you about compliance
issues and the ADA, DDA, or other local laws concerning accessibility
and discrimination.
http://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/2007/08/24/accommodating-the-normals/
"A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish remarks than anything else in the world." - Edmond De Goncourt
**
ART MUSEUM: Hall of frames. (WordFoolery)
When is it most likely to rain money?
When there is change in the weather
We recently had a spell of bad weather, and my neighbor's car battery was dead in the driveway. She rang and asked if I could help push her out in the street, and use my car to push her, and maybe get it started.
I gave it my all pushing in front, then in back. The car just wouldn't budge. I tried it again and again.
After nearly ten minutes, I heard something click under the hood. She rolled down her window and said, "Oh sorry! The emergency brake was on!"
Those seeking to destroy "traditional" marriage celebrated another victory in Vermont recently, as plural marriages joined hetero- and same-sex marriages as being legally permitted under state law. Among the first to seek a new plural weeding license were the partnership of Saturday Night Live humorist Jack Handy, 'Lil Abner cartoonist Al Capp, retired talk show host Jack Paar, and horror novelist Stephen King. Critics say that the Handy-Capp-Paar-King marriage is simply a bid for specially-recognized social status.
When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"
Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent."
During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.
Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Health inspector: "I'm afraid you have too many roaches in here." Restaurant owner: "How many am I allowed?"
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. The cops loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers got As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and The drunk lady replied, "I keep trying to tell you,
They stopped her and decided she had had far too much to drink, so
instead of taking her to jail they offered to drive her home.
in the back seat with the drunk woman.
lived, but all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're
Passionate."
as she stroked his arm: "You're Passionate."
said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours
and you still haven't told us where you live."
"You're Passin' It!"
I`d love to, but I`m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
Quote of the Day:"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."-- Jerry Seinfeld
**
Ok, got to go off and grow some hair on my upper lip.Must dash.
**
Got sent an apologies made up of dots and dashes. I think it was in remorse code.
**
Question: Have we tried exploding all of the food to see if it makes it better, or did we just stop with corn?
A devout cowboy was heartbroken when he lost his Bible while working on the ranch.
He searched for it everywhere but couldn't find it.
Three weeks later, he was amazed to see a cow walking towards him with the Bible in its mouth.
Overjoyed, the cowboy took the Bible from the cow's mouth and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
The cow, unimpressed, replied, "It's not a miracle, cowboy. I just happened to find your name inside the cover."
Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.
I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me, "Do you need help?"
I replied, "Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead."
JOKE FOR WORLD LAUGHTER DAY
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#772
Oxymorons
Some of my favorites:
- Assistant Supervisor
- New Tradition
- Original Copy
- Plastic Glass
- Uninvited Guest
- Highly Depressed
- Live Recording
- Authentic Reproduction
- Partial Cease-Fire
- Limited Lifetime Guarantee
- Elevated Subway
- Dry Lake
- True Replica
- Forward Lateral
- Standard Options
SUPERHERO PUNS # WEIRD NEWS HEADLINES.... - -
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#771
In the middle of the night two just-turned 18 potheads have the not so brilliant idea to go for a joy ride. When they come to a traffic circle they take some turns and enjoy the lack of traffic. Then they want to increase the fun and decide to try it in reverse. But as soon as they back up a car slams into their trunk! The young potheads start to panic and cry, making their eyes even more red than the pot already did. When the police arrive both are in a state of total despair, but then one of the officers comes over to them and calms them down. “It’s ok folks; stop crying; that guy is drunk beyond belief and claims you have been driving in reverse!”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours, followed by a global food shortage.
*British Security Levels* The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to"Irritated" or even Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."
in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved."
"A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out.
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in
1066.
"Good morning, is this the help line for alcoholics?"
"Yes, how can I help?"
"How do you make a Mojito?"
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. "It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and "Impressive," said the manager. The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. "It's a blonde, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this
dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
matured in oak barrels." He said.
stored in steel vats."
job, I'll tell who the father is!"
Fast & Funny - Superheros
- Which superhero is the biggest Peeping Tom? Spied-her-man.
- If Caitlyn Jenner became a superhero ... would she be an ex-man or a trans-former?
- What's a superhero with a bad sense of direction? Wander Woman.
- When I become a superhero, I'm going to call myself "Ironic". So when there's trouble and I'm running away, people will be like, "Isn't that ironic?!"
- Who was the first superhero to get Covid? Batman.
- Did you hear about the superhero with a lisp who worked out too hard? He's really Thor.
- What do you call a superhero whose power is misjudging the height of jumps? Splatman.
- What do you call an organized superhero? Captain Plan It.
- First day as a superhero
Villain: why is my calendar wrapped in aluminum?
Me: I foiled your plans.
Dogs & Cats News… According to a new study, trained dogs can detect coronavirus The study revealed that cats can too… they just won’t…
infections in schools and offices…
Quote of the Day:"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget."-- Unknown
Today's One-Liner: Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
England's West Country is known for its charming cottage- like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting- looking books. So she went inside.
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."
My Mom, Ann, was visiting, and was telling my nine-year-old daughter, Rachel, that she hoped to win the lottery coming up on the weekend. Mom told Rachel that if she won the lottery, she was going to put $500,000 into an account for each of her grandchildren, although they wouldn't be able to touch it until they were 25 years old.
"Can you imagine all the interest there would be in it by then?" she said to Rachel.
"Oh Nanny," Rachel replied, "I'm already interested!"
**********************************************************************************
All the bad puns on this sub are making me numb, and don't talk about the math ones..!!
They make me even number...
"I announced to my wife I was going to the supermarket with her the next time she went because the stuff she kept bringing home was not fully in the spirit of American junk food. While she was off squeezing melons, I made for the junk food section. The breakfast cereals alone could have occupied me for most of the afternoon. There must have been two hundred types. The most immediately arresting was a cereal called Cookie Crisp, which tried to pretend it was a nutritious breakfast but was really just chocolate chip cookies that you put in a bowl and ate with milk. Brilliant."
-- Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself."
"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"
"Oh, it was my wife's idea."
"Your wife?"
"Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend more time with the kids."
10 LAWS OF COMPUTING
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you
meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand
your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the
section of the manual where you'd least expect to find
it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your
mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found
to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just
fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to
do, but rarely what you want it to do.
10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
Number 10:
When they ask "How are you today?"Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."
Number 9:
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Number 8:
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
Number 7:
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
Number 6:
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Number 5:
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
Number 4:
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Number 3:
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
Number 2:
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost:
Number 1:
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
A COLLECTION OF NEWSPAPER HEADLINES THAT MERIT A SECOND GLANCE
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
(Like, let's triple those muggings Lefty, and Spike, I
want to see you double up on those purse-snatchings!)
Sex Fund Pledged For Sheriff
(Now he can take his mind off the increase in crime, eh?)
Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital
(Wonder which one carried the vital organs?)
Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline
(Well, now I can stop worrying about my investments since
the future is so certain ....)
Blow To Head Is Common Cause Of Brain Injury
(It took the experts to figure that one out)
Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says
(They needed a study to find THAT out?)
Circumcisions Cut Back
(If you have to cut back, I guess that's as good a place
as any to start)
You Can Still Bury Grandpa Out Back
(So we don't have to wait until he's dead?)
Mortuary Adds Drive-Through
(Maybe the mourners will beep their horns loud enough to
wake the dead)
Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation
(That's got to be the toughest way to quit a job that I
know of!)
City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup
(And we all thought taxes ended with death!)
US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food
(Gimme An Order Of Insect Parts, Easy On The Fries .....)
Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave
(Who thought of this recipe, anyway???)
Nudist Group Donates Clothing For Victims
(Well, they weren't using them anyway)
Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!
(It's the quiet ones you have to worry about)
Dog That Bit 2 People Ordered To Leave Town
(But did he UNDERSTAND that he had to leave town?)
Police Recover Stolen Hamster, Arrest 3
(Don't you agree that it's time they brought back the
death penalty?)
Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely
Ugly
(But how do you interview suspects without hurting their
feelings?)
Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime
(We can all sleep better at night with THAT knowledge!)
Thieves Steal Burglar Alarm
(In case they wanted to catch themselves in the act?)
Terrorist Bought Bomb Parts At K Mart
(Attention K Mart shoppers, plutonium on aisle 9 ...)
No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
(Maybe stretched vocal chords...?)
JOKE FOR WORLD LAUGH DAY
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#770
FAST AND FUNNY – PAJAMAS
- I got expelled from school on pajama day. It's not my fault I sleep naked.
- What's the difference between a man wearing pajamas on a bicycle and a guy wearing a tuxedo on a unicycle? Attire.
- What do you call someone who makes pajamas? A soft wear engineer.
- Where's a good place to buy PJs? Pajamazon.
- If there’s a pajama day at work, they should also have a paid nap.
Now: WORLD LAUGH DAY - Wednesday, May 1, 2024#cal-notice
Group Notification
#769
WORLD LAUGH DAY
When:
Wednesday, May 1, 2024
View Event
Description:
JOKE FOR CLEAN COMMEDY DAY
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#768
FAST AND FUNNY – LAUGHTER
- Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day. Tell a Humor List contributor a joke, they will repost it for a lifetime.
- How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh? Ten-tickles. (Of course, it only has 8 of those, so the first two were test tickles!
- What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A yamahahaha.
- My friends and I always laugh about how bloody competitive we are. I laugh the most.
- At what frequency does laughter become painful? 1 gigglehurts.
Now: Clean Commedy Day - Sunday, April 28, 2024#cal-notice
Group Notification
#767
Clean Commedy Day
When:
Sunday, April 28, 2024
View Event
Description:
HAPPY AS A CLAM # WEIRD (BUT TRUE) NEWS.... - -
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#766
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. Following a barrage of questions by both attorneys, questions came from a new source. The judge asked "Phil, is it true that over the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?"
Phil replied, "Yes, Judge, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquired.
Phil replied, "It's not polite to interrupt anyone. That's what Mum taught me. So, I didn't want to interrupt her, Your Honor."
Old Jacob Johnson, raging hypochondriac, was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis. Mrs. Johnson explained that the appendix is on the right.
"So, aha! That's why it hurts so much," said Jacob. "My appendix is on the wrong side!"
The detective is questioning the woman: "So you say your husband committed suicide by hanging himself?"
Woman: "That's correct."
Detective asks suspiciously, "So how do you explain the bruises on his head?"
Woman:"Damn fool used a bungee cord."
A poor young man took a farm girl into town for a date at a fancy restaurant. While studying the menu she asked, "What's filet mignon?"
Thinking fast, her date replied, "It's pickled goat's liver. Why?”
**********************************************************
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew." I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York City. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"
One day a man comes home from work and he decides to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room. "Um, honey, I got something to tell you."
"Hold on," the wife says. "I've got something to tell you first."
"What is it?" asks the husband.
"Well," the wife begins, "before we knew each other, I... uh... had a sex change."
"What exactly are you saying?"
"Simply put," the wife says, "I used to be a man."
"My god," the husband replies. "And you've been hitting from the ladies’ tees this whole time!"
I was driving home last night and I sent the wife a text saying, "Be home in 5 min."
She replied, "Hurry, I'm upstairs naked, and I've tied myself to the bed. Come and put me in my rightful place." So I drove home, went upstairs, and carried her back to the kitchen.
Today's Clean Limerick:How did it measure up?
"I'll relate to you this bizarre tale:
Bought a nice three foot ruler," said Gayle.
"Picked it up down the street
At a neighbor's. 'Twas neat
When I purchased it at a yard sale."
Kirk Miller
I just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
A fellow is walking down the street, and is accosted by a policeman. After brief questioning, the gentleman is arrested.
On facing the Magistrate, the policeman's statement is as follows, "Your Honor, the defendant was on Smith Street, carrying, on his back, a desk. He clutched in his left hand a typewriter, in his right, a wastepaper basket."
"I arrested him for impersonating an office, sir."
After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave site marker for himself. A week or so later he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he'd placed his order. "I don't know if it's good news or bad," she said, "But your headstone is ready."
One Sunday afternoon, President Coolidge was returning to the White House after attending church. He had gone alone, so upon arrival Mrs. Coolidge inquired:
"Was the sermon good?"
"Yes," he answered.
"What was it about?"
"Sin."
"What did the minister say?"
"He was against it."
What is the maggot army called?
The Apple Corps!
***
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple?
Because everyone had to go on in pairs!
**
Who is the worm's Prime Minister?
Maggot Thatcher!
**
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted!
**
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home?
Where in earth have you been!
********************************************************************
Happy as a Clam
Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that mollusks reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.
Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.
"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.
Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest.
So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.
He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.
I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.
The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.
True News
*The Nerve! The Associated Press’s Stylebook Twitter account posted it to news writers: “We recommend avoiding general and often dehumanizing ‘the’ labels such as the poor, the mentally ill, the French, the disabled, the college educated.” The news agency was immediately set upon by the Twitterati, who said the company was going too far with the French (e.g., maybe the writers should use “people experiencing Frenchness”). “We just wondered what the alternative to ‘the French’ would be,” said Pascal Confavreux, the spokesman for the French Embassy. “I mean, really.” The AP, the BBC reported, deleted the tweet. (RC/BBC) ...The-the-the that’s all, folks!
Good enough.Sofa, So Bad: Luke Ansell had a new house, and he wanted a new sofa to go with it. Designersofas4u sold him one and delivered it, bringing it into his house and right up the stairs to the second floor. Well, partway up the stairs. Even though they said it would fit, “They got jammed and tried to get it back out but got stuck,” he said. “They said, ‘There’s nothing more we can do, we haven’t got time, we have to go.’” Not only did he have to bring in some of his Bournemouth, Dorset, U.K., neighbors to get it out, he said, the house, which had been newly built, was damaged. The company suggested there’s blame to share: “You also tried to help and between yourself and the two delivery persons managed to get the sofa wedged and also damage the walls,” it told him. And it said he had told customer service the delivery people should give the stairs “a go.” Still, the company said it would pay for repairs and provide a new sofa. But this time, the sofa would be dropped off outside the house. (AC/BBC) ...They’re sure it won’t get stuck between the truck and the curb.
*Blizzorific: Ohio announced the results of their “name a plow” contest in early December . Minnesota? They only announced on January 25 that residents can now vote for an oh-so-clever name from 60 approved choices from 10,000 submitted names for the state’s snowplows. The (yawn... excuse me!) approved nominees include Mary Tyler More Snow, Queen El-ice-a-beth, and Bobsled Dylan. (RC/MPR) ...Final results are expected by summer.
*'Pillar Guy' at work.Yeah, You Knew Drugs Were Involved Somehow: Jigar Desai is a big fan of the Philadelphia (Pa.) Eagles football team. He became Internet famous when, before their 38–7 win over the Minnesota Vikings in the NFC Championship, which led to them winning Superbowl LII, he was celebrating his team on a subway platform on his way to the game when a train pulled out. Desai ran alongside — until he slammed face-first into a pillar, and then fell onto the moving train. He was uninjured: “It was a clean hit,” he said, and admitted he had been drinking. The Eagles are in the playoffs again this year, so Desai, 47, who works for a pharmaceutical company, says he “must” run face-first into a pillar before every Eagles playoff game — the same pillar, if he’s near the station. “It’s working,” he said, “Let’s not mess with a good thing.” (RC/Philadelphia Inquirer) ...Classic NFL: winning depends on embracing multiple concussions.
*Rode Rage
Hollywood Man Pulls Gun on Fellow Boaters Who Asked Him to Slow Down, Police Say
WPLG Miami (Fla.) headline
******************Adult*******************************************
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. These ducks are from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here ducks from Virginia. You got a Virginia huntin’ license?”
Again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out his Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, “Just where the hell are you from?“
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
**************End of adult**********************************
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker in line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look and begins to laugh.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really. I just realized that you came here sober for the food."
A soccer hooligan is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a "What exactly did the accused throw into the river?" the judge asks. "Stones, sir," the officer replies. The judge is confused. "Well, that's hardly an offense, officer." "It was in this case, sir," the officer explains. "Stones was the name of
match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something
into the river not far from the stadium.
the referee."
*Today's One-Liner:* Laughing is the best medicine, but if you laugh
without any reason, you need medicine.
Shannon, our seven-year-old daughter, had grown her thick blond hair all She glanced at the job I was doing on her sister, looked me straight in the
the way to her waist. I had been coaxing her to have it trimmed so it would
be easier to care for. While trimming her older sister's hair one day, I
renewed my cajoling, "Come on, Shannon, doesn't your sister's hair look
nice? How would you like your hair cut?"
eye and replied, "By a professional."
How do you know when you’re a pothead?
When you’ve studied for a urine test for 5 days
.
"California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up." –Conan O'Brien
Who sells a product cheaper... a manufacturer or a distributor? The
correct answer is: the storehouse security guard!
**
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short-cut!
A man, a miss,
A car, a curve.
He kissed the miss,
And missed the curve.
Burma Shave
**
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave
**
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE.
Burma Shave
**
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU.
Burma Shave
**
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING.
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES! # TRICKY WORDPLAY QUIZ!.... - -
Phoenixbird
- All Messages By This Member
#765
Windoze
As part of its effort to standardize the user interface and
functionality of all Windoze programs, Windoze producer Micromafia has
proposed the following guidelines. They will make your development
strategy consistent with the development strategy at Micromafia.
1. Start by having your R&D staff search the net and other sources for
popular applications until they find one that would look good in a box
with the art division's latest logo.
2. The R&D staff must now completely replicate that product, changing
the interface slightly and adding no less than 20,000 extra
"features," at least 100 of which must really be bugs that they didn't
feel like fixing.
3. Do NOT, under any circ*mstances, test the product. This is a waste
of time and money. Ship the first beta that arrives on your desk. In
fact, don't bother even getting it on your desk. Just ship every build
that comes along. Users like upgrades. Besides, you can charge people
for bugfixes cleverly disguised as "service packages".Users love
service packages.
4. Hopefully someone's written a user's manual. In fact, it's probably
readable by a normal human being. This is unacceptable; perform a find
and replace operation on random English words, replacing them with
technical terms and acronyms. Users like acronyms; they add mystery to
a product. Never tell what an acronym means; this is unprofessional.
You may even wish to make up your own acronyms; again, don't tell what
they mean. For every sensible sentence, you lose at least three calls
to your $200-per-incident tech support line. Users love calling tech
support, especially when there are fifty touch tone menus that all
lead to the same two people.
5. Prepare for shipping. Have your team of 57 lawyers create a
prefabricated license agreement. If you do not have 57 lawyers, hire
or fire as necessary so that you do have 57 lawyers. Be sure that the
license agreement includes a "by opening the box, you agree to this"
statment. Then put it inside the box. Users will perceive this as a
joke and laugh. Users love involuntarily binding themselves to legal
agreements.
6. Before shipping, invest in shrink wrap. Shrink wrap the manual.
Shrink wrap the CD. Shrink wrap each and every floppy disk separately.
Shrink wrap the "getting started" card. Shrink wrap the registration
card. Shrink wrap the card from your grandmother. Then dump the whole
mess in a box and shrink wrap it. Pack several boxes inside a larger
brown box with 5,637 non-decomposable foam peanuts (each one shrink
wrapped individually, of course). Be sure the foam peanut count is
exactly 5,637. Remove or add shrink-wrapped foam peanuts as necessary.
Throw in a roll of bubble wrap because of its entertainment value.
7. Ship the product and move your entire R&D and art staff to the $200-
per-incident tech support lines.
*Today's Clean Pun:* When my wife wanted me to stop acting like a
flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
*Today's One-Liner:* So I just read Starbucks is planning on selling beer
and wine; apparently it's getting difficult to sell sober people a $10 cup of coffee.
While reviewing one of our departments, an assistant asked me what I was "Oh," she said. "Well, I have a good sense of humor and I make great
doing. "Listing your assets," I told her.
lasagna."
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits
your stomach. And it just parks there.
A police officer went up to a street musician and asked, "Excuse me, but do And the violinist answered, "Well, actually, no." "In that case I'm going to have to ask you to accompany me." "Of course, Officer. What would you like to sing?"
you have a license to play that violin in the street?"
*Top Five Most Frivolous Cases Filed By New York City Prisoners * * Francis Hugh Smith claimed New York owed him US$10 million because faulty * Anthony Malloy sough "US$989 billion trillion" because he said prison * Anthony Gill claimed secondhand cigarette smoke from other inmates caused * Jose Reyes wants US$1000 because the state made him eat vegetable diet * Thomas Higgins sued the state for US$10,000 because a prison laundry
medical care caused amnesia that made him leave his work-release job and
forget to return to prison.
guards beat up his jacket, which he was not wearing at the time. His case
was dismissed.
him medical problems -- altho' he buys cigarettes from the prison
commissary.
loaf after he violated prison rules. He said he lost 450g.
machine broke and he claims a constitutional right to clean clothes and
blankets.
If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly: at 45 mph: "God Will Take Care of You" at 55 mph: "Guide Me, O Great Jehovah" at 65 mph: "Nearer My God to Thee" at 75 mph: "Nearer Still Nearer" at 85 mph: "This World is Not My Home" at 95 mph: "Lord, I'm Coming Home" at 100 mph: "Precious Memories"
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the
bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of- the-fridge-is" group.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce'.
In a recent interview, Kourtney Kardashian says that she eats avocado
pudding for breakfast. You know the Kardashians are out of touch when they
don't even know the word for guacamole. *-- Jimmy Fallon*
*Learn Chinese in just 5 minutes!* English phrase / Chinese Interpretation *Are you harboring a fugitive? / Hu Yu Hai Ding? *See me A.S.A.P. / Kum Hia Nao *I bumped into a coffee table. / Ai Bang Mai Ni *I think you need a facelift. / Chin Tu Fat *It's very dark in here. / Wai So Dim? *I thought you were on a diet. / Wai Yu Mun Ching? *This is a tow away zone. / No Pah King *You are not very bright. / Yu So Dum *They have arrived. / Hia Dei Kum *Stay out of sight. / Lei Lo *He's cleaning his automobile. / Wa Shing Ka
Two brothers were past asleep when the eldest heard a thud sound Eldest: What's that sound? Youngest: Oh, it's just my t-shirt falling off my bed. Eldest: T-shirt? Why was it so loud? Youngest: Because I was still in it.
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their
fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to
tell the wife?"
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most
discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to
me."
answers, asks what he wants.
Today’s Special:
Buy one Fish & Chips for the price of two and receive a second Fish & Chips ABSOLUTELY FREE!
******************Language*******************************
copied from sybase!davidvc@... (David Van Couvering) An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir The man, somewhat stunned, said, ``Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!'' The flight attendant said, ``I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and Finally, another man jumped up and said, ``Well, hell, I'm gay too! They
free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed
he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.
employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to
surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more
needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay
and said the man now sitting there, ``Excuse me, are you Gay?''
plane.''
said, ``Excuse me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!''
can't throw us all off!''
***************End of language************************************************
If you really want to make an impression, buy a car that travels at the 10) Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8 AM. 9) Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states. 8) No one can see you pick your nose while you drive. 7) Traffic enforcement limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics. 6) You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole while driving 5) Bugs never even see you comin'. 4) Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green. 3) You can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan, "It's there 2) The more you drive, the younger you get. 1) Chicks dig it!
speed of light. The advantages are obvious, like the following:
home from work.
before you order it or it's free!"
"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?" - Erma Bombeck
Two men came before Nasrudin when he was acting in his capacity of Examine the man whose ear was bitten," he ordered. "If his forehead is The right verdict had been arrived at by seemingly illogical methods.
magistrate. One said, "The man has bitten my ear--I demand compensation."
The other said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin adjourned the case and
withdrew to his chambers. There he spent half an hour trying to bite his own
ear. All that he succeeded in doing was falling over in the attempt, and
bruising his forehead. Then he returned to the courtroom.
bruised, he did it himself, and the case is dismissed. If not, the other one
did it, and the bitten man is compensated with three silver pieces."
While things may have been looking up for Bob Dylan as a performer, he was having troubles as a music director. In the next song on his eponymous album (after "Fixin' to Die Blues"), he let us know that his instrumental group kept insisting on playing chords and refused his requests to play the notes of the chords one at a time. We know this because he kept asking for "pretty arpeggio". While music lyric websites apparently heard, "pretty Peggy-O", we know what we hear with our own ears.
It is uncanny how accurate the fortunes are in those little almond
cookies you get in a cellophane wrapper at Chinese restaurants. The
other day my wife and I had a rare grandchild-free dinner at our
favorite Chinese place. After a quiet and delicious meal the waitress
brought our check with fortune cookies for us. Mine said, "Your hidden
creative talents will soon be revealed." My wife scoffed, but on the
way out of the restaurant we passed another couple coming in, and the
man said, "Hey, jerk, your pants are unzipped!" My 'hidden creative
talents' had indeed been revealed.
Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped. "Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this." "Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."
MY BUSINESS HOURS
Open most days about 9:00 or 10:00,
Occasionally as early as 7:00,
But some days as late as 12:00 or 1:00.
We close about 5:30 or 6:00,
Occasionally about 4:00 or 5:00.
But sometimes as late as 11:00 or 12:00.
Some days or afternoons, we aren't here at all.
And lately I've been here about all the time,
Except when I'm somewhere else.
But I should be here then too.
*Today's One-Liner:* She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the
Juneflower.
*Old Sayings* ... *Different Twist* See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we've all 1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous. 2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 3. Surveillance should precede salutations 4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity 5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal 6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore. 8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion. 10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there *Answers: * 1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. 2. Birds of a feather, flock together. 3. Think before you speak. 4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 5. Don't cry over spilled milk. 6. Cleanliness is next to godliness. 7. The pen is mightier than the sword. 8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. 9. Spare the rod and spoil the child. 10. A watched pot doesn't boil. 11. All that glitters is not gold. 12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.
heard? See answers below.
fluid.
innovative maneuvers.
saucepan does not does reach 212 F'.
is conflagration.
Now: National Humorous Day - Friday, April 19, 2024#cal-notice
Group Notification
#764
National Humorous Day
When:
Friday, April 19, 2024
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